All around me noise is piercing into my ear, as my body is slowly weeding towards primordial silence, into eternity. The doctor had said I have three months to live. I had two options; live every single day or wait for my body to slowly decompose until my last breath. My heavy weighted doctor with big round spectacles eyed me, tied me on my bed. He knew, if I am left free, I could not lay idle.
I am hardly 30 but all my bones and cheeks are narrowed, and eyes dull limiting my capacity to see the dreams even while awake. My past life reflected in front of my eyes when I had won first prize in the Dance competition in my junior college.
I was chubby little girl, brown eyes, short curly hair that flung on either side. I would wear narrow neck top and long skirt, which I loved. It was the evening of 14th October 2006, I danced to my favorite song, Rolls Rollers, my steps were moving smoothly and my skirt danced like waves, floating up and down with the rhythm, and gracefully. It was rich performance, I was told.
After my turn, there was a group dance and as I was nervous, I took my space at the back stage and closed my eyes. After the dance performance, my name was announced for the first prize. I jumped with joy hugging John who was standing like a rock near me. John was a member of an organizing committee, not so handsome but had a cheeky personality. His eyes wore different shine, and naughtiness. There was also a peculiar smudginess in his personality, but he was quite strong and appealing. When I hugged him, smells from his body arouse a fluttering sensation in me.
After this hysteric moment, with a trophy in my hand, I ran towards my home. All were waiting for me, my mom, dad, my nephew, and sis.
They were all rejoiced to see the trophy in my hand, my sister pinched me laughingly. In the evening we had a candlelight dinner. That was the last day when family sat together to had dinner. Next morning was my flight for my new destination, in the London College of Architect, for its four years of program. So for four long years, I was away, however, eventually, I returned to India, to get a job in a private firm in Mumbai. Meanwhile, my father expired, and my sis shifted to Pune with her in-laws.
One evening it was 7: 30 I was going to leave the office in a hurry and suddenly bumped against a man. I felt a certain sensation as if I know the smell. I picked myself up and raised my head to see a familiar face, and he too smiled at me. I clasped, Oh John, my heart pounded with joy, winking his eyes, he said, “yes I am”. I exclaimed, How you are here?” he replied well, “I am a manager in a firm where you are now a senior architect”. Well, I twitched my brows with pride. We both then walked towards the restaurant.
We kept staring at each other, when he exclaimed, “Hey! I am so glad to see you again.” “So am I”, I answered with austerity. From that day onwards, not a single day went by without looking at each other or talking with each other.
On 16h Sep 2010, our causal relationship ended in a nuptial bond. It was a simple marriage affair, with very few relatives, and friends. I entered my new domicile with throbbing heart and all rituals. It is a lovely house with a well maintained lawn, and inside walls were painted blue and well sorted furniture producing shades of white and blue. There was touch of both novelty and simplicity which I loved.
He is the only son in a family, so there were his father, mother, a maid, gardener, driver, and now I am added I came to know later that my mother-in-law was a lecturer in a college, but now retired. I did not find her a traditional Sassu (strict mother-in-law) type. She has a certain personality and grace., and she treated me just as a mother-in-law should treat her new Daughter-In-law. But after three months of our marriage, they went to London to stay for few years with their distant relative. I missed them so much.
My teenage dream to find a prince came true. He was a prince for me, very loving, and caring husband, romantic and full of life. I was living like a princess. After three years I got pregnant, my heart plummeted with joy and I was highly elated. Time slowly dragged, and angel was born in a hospital nearby. She had golden hair and blue eyes. This life, now my attention was towards nurturing Angle. Few years passed by, Angle turned seven. She wore blue eyes, golden hair and red cheeks, owing with an intelligence of her dad.
One evening on 18th June 2017, as I was preparing food for Angel, I suddenly fainted. When I opened my eyes I was in the hospital on the white bed surrounded by huge demonic machines, doctors and nurses, the devils with heavy weapons appearing like piercing my heart out.
The doctor examined me and after some tests, I was diagnosed ovary cancer.
Doctor had declared, only three months. I want to go back to my home, I cried. I am regularly counting my breaths in my hospital bed. I am insisting John to get back to my home, but he was reluctant, and with a grin would reply, “not till you are okay honey.” It is five days now I am on the hospital bed, with needles pierced all over my body, unable to change my sides, my eyes were always looking for my Angle. John pacified me by saying ,“I called your Mom to look after Angel”, but for how long she could take care of Angel, tears drenched my eyes”.
“I am resting myself in the cosmos of silence, feeling the softness of eternal intimacy
Where nothing is disturbing and nothing is turmoil, but only peace and peace.”
In this world, I am leaving my Angel behind, whose tiny hands I would hold and stroll in the garden.
I cried out loud. “Let me go!, but I was not tied by the doctor’s decree with varied pipes and needles that hung through my nose and arm and legs.
Few days went by, one night my doctor showed pity on me. He freed me from these dreaded clutches. I seized the opportunity. Slipped out of my bed, wore my sleepers and out of the room. Sister Agatha saw me and tried to confront me. But with tearful eyes, I pleaded to let me go. First, she was reluctant, but as if miracle happened, realizing what I have been going through, she looked here and there, swiftly took me out of the hospital and allowed me to escape. I hired an auto rickshaw and reached to my relief my home. I decided to enter from the backyard as not to disturbed anyone. A kitten was crawling on the wall, as I knocked at the kitchen door. First there was no response, than I peeped through the window and made a queer noise to wake up Nancy, my maid. Startled by the noise, she opened her eyes and looked at me in way as if she had witnessed a ghost, but I nodded instructing her my hands to remain quite and just open the door.
I stealthily entered the house and peeped inside the room; my angle was sleeping with my mother, I then went straight towards my room, what I saw increased my nervousness, instead of sleeping John was walking to and fro in the room. I cautiously positioned myself behind the door to watch him. Thank God, the room was clean. He continued to take small paces, and then suddenly sat quietly on the bed. I took a deep breath; may be he was tensed I thought because of my illness, or may be due to hefty my treatment cost. I silently took my steps towards him, and put my arms on his shoulders. Shocked, he jerked his body and turned towards me. I could see anger raging in his eyes, but I gently placed my fingers over his lips. I threw myself on my knees and folded my hands crying out, “Please let me live, each day I am dying on that horrific hospital bed without you and Angle.”
He tenderly picked me up and hugged me. “Oh! It’s the same feeling, so beautiful and serene”. I felt the same sensation, when I had accidentally hugged Johny in my college when I had won the dance competition. I had started living again”.
Meeting the silent night,
In the willows of the darkness I stay,
With dreams in my eyes and burning heart, I am waiting
For my day is not far, not far and not far.
Feeling the caress of each moment of the tiny hands of my Angel
My heart pinches to live long
But as the clock struck 12 each night
My heart pounds, maybe I won’t see my Angel the next day.
But I know God will shower me mercy, as each single day of my breaths I will live
To see my little Angle play, laugh and grow.